This week proved to be very interesting. I began to receive feedback on my narrative. Not many people have read it but I received feedback from Sean, Stephanie and two other friends of mine that have not yet finished. Of the four people that have either finished reading, or at least begun, they commented on issues that I was concerned about while writing. One of these issues was that there could possibly be to many women represented, to many different relationships being developed/introduced. Stephanie believes this to be true, while sean and I believe otherwise. I see where Stephanie is coming from because as I was writing I was weary of that being the case, but I believe (and sean agreed with me) that all these women are necessary to develop Allen as a character. His interactions with these women tell the reader why he thinks/feels the way he does, and how he came to do so. Whether or not I'm gonna change that part of the story I don't yet know, I feel I need some more opinions on the issue before I decide. Another Issue me and Stephanie discussed was Allen's relationship with Pikarra. Stephanie believes that since I am trying to develop this deep connection between the two of them, as the reader she needs more time with them to make it more believable, and I totally agree. However I don't think that making the chapter longer will be a good thing, I'm a little attached to the chain of events that I have set fourth. I believe that I'm going to solve this problem by having Allen and Pikarra know each other from the past. When Allen meets Pikarra at the bar I'll change it so that he knew her once a long time ago, and I'll add in like a flashback scene where the reader gets to know how they met, and follows them through some sort of adversity or challenge that they overcome together, but then for reasons Allen cannot explain Pikarra had to leave, and he's seeing her again for the first time now at this bar. I think that will help to make their connection more believable.
Sean brought up an interesting point when he said that although Patrice Williams is beautiful, he thinks it would be more effective if Allen's obsession was more famous, someone like Beyonce for example, and he thinks I should just make up my own celebrity instead of using one that already exists. When i read this I was like huh... I thought I did make up my own celebrity, but it turns out that there is a model named Patrice Williams that like, won miss america just this year lol ha ha ha ha ha, thats insane, I had no idea! Looks like I'll have to change her name, I don't want my readers making a connection to this miss america lol.
Another friend of mine made an interesting comment while reading as well, she said that some of the things Allen and Christopher say only a male would think that way, and that some of the things they do are typical guy stuff. This comment, although said jokingly worried me a bit, and I guess Sean was right I need to realize who my audience is. I agree that the way Allen and his friend think are typical guy shit, and I realize that the story is told from a guys perspective, and the interactions between Allen and his retarded friend are meant to show you how stupid and retarded they both are, so I guess my intended audience are adult males. However, I do want m story to be accessible to woman as well. I want women to be able to read my story and think its good as well, even though its told from a mans perspective and geared towards men. I mean, I can read Twilight, a story written by a woman, told from a woman's perspective and geared toward teenage girls and still think its good writing, thats what I want to accomplish with my Sanguine Moon.
Now that finished the writing I have been doing Allot of drawing, I finished the Allen character sketch and begun to draw the Old Man. I must say I am quite proud of the sketch of the Old man, I just love the way he came out!!! There is only one thing tho. The old mans clothes are supposed to be dated, I wrote them as looking very nice and high fashion, but also like they come from another time period. the old man wears a suit, but to me it does not look that old. As I was drawing I google searched old or dated suits and got some pictures, but I don't think it comes across in my drawing. The whole long coat with the chains and the shoes were supposed to look like those 60's or 70's zoot suits black people use to wear back in the day, in all diff crazy kinds of colors like bright red, blue or yellow, with their hair chemically slicked (fried, dyed, and laid to the side like my grandfather says lol) and those huge hats with the feathers lol (like Denzel Washington wore when he played in the movie Malcom X) but I don't think it comes across that well. Maybe he needs the hat?? lol. I know one reason is because those suits were real baggy, but I didn't want the old mans to be that baggy, he still has to look class now lol. I dunno, his clothes just ended up looking like any other suit. I guess I gotta keep working on it, Ill post the images.
